I'm going home...to my mother's home, to walk through her door and see that she is really gone. It has been almost two years. I once read that the pain of losing a loved one gnaws at the soul.
As my plane approached eastern Idaho days before her death, the words of the song, Fearless Heart came to my mind. For me, it put into words the fight my mother experienced with breast cancer;
The war is raging all around me
I'm weary and battle worn
The voices of the night surround me
Threatening to destroy
And though the battle field is strewn with broken lives
Worn and weathered in the struggle to survive
I will not be a casualty of this war I didn't start
I'll fight with fearless heart
She was fearless. I suppose she expects me to be too and looking back I suppose I have been.
Little one year old McKay will join me as I return home. He is a symbol of this fearless heart I speak of. Blair and I discussed having another child before I knew my mother would die. It makes me so sad that even weeks before her death, still, I did not realize I was losing her. I didn't recognize the signs, yet they were there all along. So, little McKay did join our family despite the pain. I felt that she would want me to follow through with my impression to have another child. As promised, he has brought me an enormous amount of peace.
My life has not been free of trials, as if my mother and father's deaths weren't enough. But like I have said before, we are experiencing adversity at accelerated speeds. This I believe for a wise purpose. I once felt in church that our sacrifice is yet to come, meaning all of us, you and I. I read today that trials don't pull us toward heaven unless they are frequent and our rituals performed religiously. It is then that we are constant and immovable. So I humbly accept what I have been given with the faith that it really is molding me into who I am. More often than ever before, I can imagine this woman and for the sake of my husband and sweet children and to honor my mother, I am going home.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
That was a very sweet, honest post. You are strong and I believe you can get through anything and everything. We love you! Be strong and carry on!
Oh, I admire your strength, Cynthia! I know losing your mother has been so hard on you. I know you miss her but she would be so proud of the wonderful person that you are and how you lift those around you without even knowing it! You have so much faith and courage. If you ever need to talk and someone to listen, please call me! I think about you often! We love and miss your family so much! I hope this trip home is tender and sweet for you. All those wonderful things that your mother was, exist in you! Love you so much!
Post a Comment